Anniversary effect (‘it’s not really bothering me’)

The following poem and accompanying image was created by a young member of our Survivor VOICE group, Alisha.

Anniversary effect (‘it’s not really bothering me’)

In hidden realms where memories reside,
An anniversary effect takes us for a ride,
Subconscious currents ebb and flow,
Stirring emotions, we hardly know.

“It’s not really bothering me,” I say,
Yet shadows of the past, have their own way.
Subtly weaving their threads through time,
Affecting my heart and soul’s quiet chime.

While dreams unfold in the silent night,
Painting pictures of pain in moonlight,
The anniversary’s touch, a potent art,
Now once again, I must restart.

The past’s whispers reach out in the night,
And day,
Stirring emotions,
that I didn’t even know would sway,
I thought I was over it, day by day,
But my body still remembers the day he did that to me.
It’s not just the conscious mind’s decree,
But the anniversary’s effect, a ship out at sea.

In the ambiguity of dreams and fears,
The anniversary effect perseveres,
Through numbness and triggers, it finds its way,
Reminding us of moments that once,
Made us drift away.

“It’s not really bothering me,” we claim,
Yet our very cells remember, not the same.
Invisible imprints, etched in every pore,
Chronicles of feelings, lingering evermore.

The body, a vessel of memories held tight,
Science whispers secrets, day and night,
Neurons firing, pathways unfold,
Anniversary’s power, a story untold.

Anniversary’s mark, a connection divine,
Linking the present to history’s design.
Through dimensions cosmic, thoughts may roam,
Psychedelic journeys, a path to the unknown,
Anniversary’s magic, a gateway to explore,
Past, present, future, intertwined evermore.

Intergalactic dreams, they intertwine,
Anniversary’s whispers, a cosmic sign.
In the tapestry of emotions, we find our place,
Trippy connections, woven through time and space.
In the enigma of time’s elusive grasp,
An anniversary effect, a question to unmask,
“It’s not really bothering me,” I say,
Yet my cells hum with secrets, night and day.

Did time truly pass, or was it a dream?
A puzzle woven in the cosmic stream.
Did I walk that path, or did it unfurl,
In the corridors of memory, a swirl?

An echo in the present, a distant past,
Anniversary’s spell, holding fast.
How do I know what’s real and true,
When memories shimmer, a mystical hue?
Is it in my mind, or is it real?
Anniversary’s riddle, an ethereal seal.
Suspended in moments that slip away,
Emotions resurface, in shades of gray.

Crazy, funny, it seems absurd,
Anniversary’s mysteries, quietly heard,
In the depths of the mind, secrets hide,
Tripping through time. what a ride!
I ponder on what is real,
what is hidden from sight,
The stories untold, the secrets kept close,
Doubting if it’s reality, or just nightmares,
Or both.

Nightmares have haunted, their shadows cast,
Obscuring the present, making it past.
Lost in the labyrinth where truth may be,
Struggling to see what once was free.

Uncertainty reigns, the door remains closed,
Behind it, truths hidden,
Who even knows?
One, who holds all in a knowing glance.

Yet, even my body, a silent witness true,
Carries imprints, memories imbrued.
Even when I forget, the cells silently stroll,
Anniversary’s effect, a symphony of the past,
Like a drug’s intoxication, emotions recast.

Kept awake, kept astray, by this haunting refrain,
In a realm where clarity’s efforts remain,
The taste of life’s moments, perhaps now obscured,
By the haze of this trauma, feelings endured.

Was it a dream or is it real, a question that taunts.
Through the numbing of senses, emotions it flaunts,
In this perplexing journey, through shadows and haze,
An anniversary’s echoes, in our hearts, they graze.

Upon my mind, a blurriness descends,
Confusion, stress, all these emotions blend. T
he grip of tiredness, the weight of the past,
A heavy burden that I thought wouldn’t last.
Though some baggage still remains,
as my body reminds me of a few years ago to this day.
I try to reflect upon my thoughts, a wavering mind, heart running, as fast as a race horse.
Amongst the sky, cloudy and grey,
I know I must seek solace and pray,
I pray for clarity, peace that will last.
Before I continue on this winding path.
To untangle thoughts, to find my way,
To think of the things, I would like to say.
Pondering on how, the events of just one day,
cause so much affect, on all of my ways.
The days ahead, long and bleak, I lay here, still,
my body a coffin, asleep.
blurred and not fully aware,
Though contrastingly, My body also sticking up with hair.
adrenaline rushing through my blood, as if there is still danger,
I guess this is the freeze response, once again taking over.

Heavy feeling can’t get up,
Can’t seem to shake the grogginess,
Unable to sleep and adrenal fatigue,
Shaking, shivering,
This is not like me.

Feeling like this, and nobody even cares,
But it can’t harm them, if they don’t even hear.
It’s not fair, that it has Made life a living hell,
Alike Ancient stories from long long ago,
That you mustn’t tell.

Another year another anniversary,
Another chance to see if my heart is yet free.

The anniversary effect takes its course,
And like magic, a few days later, it is again gone.

(by Alisha.)